Reverberating Epilogues with my Grandmother

Some flashes down the memory lane, I see her face, smiling and embracing me when I went hopping and running in to her Arms.

Me in my childish voice: Ba - Ba mane varta sambhlavo ne [Grandma please narrate me a story].
Grandma: Smile, ahiya mara khoda ma av Shakura Ma tane sambhlavu varta, hey bhagvan aa chokri akho divas doda dod kari muke che [come here in my lap Shakura Ma I will narrate you a story. Oh god this girl she keeps on running around whole day].

She narrates a episode of Ramayana, where the great Hanuman Dada, goes to rescue Sita Ji.
Me: Ba Hanauman Dada kon hata? [Grandma who was Hanuman?]
Grandma: Are dikri Hanuman dada to bhagvan kevay [Dear daughter Hanuman is a name of a God]
Me: ee bhagvan  keva hoy? Ee bau mota hoy? Kya che Hanuman dada? [How does that god look? Is he too big? Where is Hanuman?]
Grandma: ee dikri bhagvan motaj hoy ane, apne dekhya nai, Ee mari mavdi mari Shakura Ma hui ja tu ave [Dear daughter God is always big and, we cannot see him, ohh my mother, ohh my Shakura Ma go off to sleep].
Me: Tame mane aji varta keso ne to hu sui jais [if you still narrate me a story I will go to sleep]

She begins another episode of Ramayana, as I rest back into her lap clenching her terry-cotton saree and the powdery smell of  her body that was wrapped in that saree. The sound of her bangles as she tapped on to my head, all ended the cacophony of my unanswerable questions with the joy of victory and the satisfaction caused by her immeasurable love. Those stories were priceless, even though after I grew up and had not time for her stories, it had an everlasting impact on my mind. It wasn't her stories in those early days back in Surendrangar (A small town in Saurashtra Peninsula, Gujarat) it was her, the warmth that can never be explained. The undemanding love that she bestowed upon her first grand child. Me.

Her little castle town had become my birthplace out of merciless riots that had occurred all over Ahmedabad city and it was her who coaxed my father to force my mother to flee (in a truck) to her in a 'Safe Haven'. I thank her for that, although I had bore lot of regrets in time for mentioning a name of  much unknown town on my passport which would often become a matter of queer amongst my mates. She after my birth tirelessly worked on keeping up an ailing child in the healthiest state. Soon after the situations recovered I was called  with my mother back home. I lost her. From time to time I have always lost her. I missed her.

As an when I grew up I often inquisitively asked my other, why didn't she ever chose to move with our family? To which my mother used to answer,"Beta, she is old and you grandfather lives there and she has lived there all her life. Will you move to an unknown city in a small apartment?"  She was right she lived in a mansion, incomparable to our small house with small venting balconies in a concrete city. Still my childish mind never accepted that, I always forced her when I managed to go to her town or when she opted to come with my Grandfather for his routine check ups. She usually swiftly replied to my questions, I will come my child. I have lot of work and then would hug me and make me sleep in her lap. Laughing and tapping, Shakura Ma. I never knew why did she call me Shakura Ma. I still ask why, many times when I lay in the starry sky her face comes to me, and I ask her, Why? She Smiles and fades. She is now gone, gone forever, why?

She left this world just 2 days before I migrated back to India, Sluggishly this time too as if she said, I will come Dikri. But I know now she will never come. Why? I am in a cliche. I loved her, longed for her all my life and she didn't even give me a chance to see her the last time. Why? She too deserted me like my Grandfather. I was a child when he passed  away. I couldn't understand why he went away in that age. But in this age I did understand why she went away. I couldn't cry much when she left, but I still resent yet love her. The only thing I remember after she passed away is her voice in my ears, I will come. I thought she would really come and I kept on waiting at the door that she will come, but once again didn't come. I know she blessed me in that fervent dream, but that wasn't enough Ba [Grandma].

One thing I am thankful to her and my grandfather that I had an opportunity to live with my grandfather's sister back in London for a considerable period of time. She was really a part of them I could feel the same smell and warmth around her, although I could never tell her. I love her too and most times when I see her image I see my both grandparents smiling at me. They are like my priceless loves.

What Women Want ????

This post is a response to BlogAdda's contest on what the fairer sex wants? Here I would like to add one line from the book Shantaram, I am hugely a fan of that book and awaiting the flick:

"Men reveal what they think when they look away, and what they feel when they hesitate. With women it is other way round"

This appears to be a tougher question, which has been much talked about and quite deep rooted. It has been silly mystery to most men like the question of chicken or egg. Although the answer is mere simple yet has become much quivering and complicated as the men are from mars and women are from Venus depicts. I wish men could speak Venusian to understand the simple answer and life could have been much resolved with no rivalries between best pals with both of them loving the same woman. A lot of it was already resolved in the book although many of them still cannot abide by it or maybe just want to stick to the same insane questions hovering in to the heads. 

Now coming back to my views all that a woman wants is simply Love, care, nurture and respect. I know men have this ridiculous habit of turning these simple requirements into the idea of seeking importance or as portrayed tantrums by women. But is isn't true guys those are the things that she really wants. Show her these 4 elements in you and she will believe you and trust you sooner or later. Later is because she needs time to build the trust in him in unlike men who wouldn't be sure of what sort of relationship they intend to build with her. The word commitment ideally cracks up most men and takes a shit out of them. 

Let me tell you guys merely small small deeds that you do for her is what counts rather then jumping up to her one sudden day and telling her how you feel. It shall freak her out unless she trusts you and knows of you being a reasonable brain and yet shall explain you to be friend. Which simply means that give some time before jumping to a change in relationship status :P Now giving up time means she wants him to be with her and simply understand and respect her thoughts. Give her space and freedom to the lifestyle which she has been living. Show her the care that is really inside you, do little bit unusual things that would make her feel you really want her and shall stand besides her during the adversaries of her life. 

Besides that she would want him to be truthful about his thoughts and acts that are conceived form them. She doesn't really want him to impress her by doing goody things it is foolish, being rational is what she would expect! Going over the top and doing funny things like screaming and shouting her name would make her hide into some corner of the world in some shame. After all women are much of socialites and love their sense of image in the public. She loves to get herself dressed with all the matching earrings, footwear, clothes and bags because that is what makes her complete. She loves looking into mirror for the appreciation as well as satisfaction that comes from inside.

Further, She is tender form heart and might appear stony which is wall that she has up before she will let him in. She can compromise to any extents once you are in and successfully build her trust. She loves that little bit of mushy words that you say to her each morning and each night. She loves to discover those surprises in her bag that you could leave for her on her birthday. She loves that little bit  of cooking that she could do for you as that is how she could show the care for you. She wants you to listen to her when she is venting out her days frustrations at work and just support her with occasional appreciations for her. She hates the solutions or being stupidly guided on the parts of her problem. She simply loves the world the way it is and imagines to be perfect in your presence no matter how skewed it is. Her vision will be perfect with the innate trust and faith that she lives in - for you. Lastly she hates those wanna be laid expressions on your face she can only ignore it unless she really trusts you to the farthest limits. 

That is what a woman is being like. Everything at micro level counts for her.

P.S. Men this post isn't intended to harm the sensibilities of your gender those are my personal views.


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Eccentric: Part 2

As I had committed in my previous post to continue the next version of an eccentric guy in the form of a letter which he writes to her as his last words whilst standing at the cliff:
(Please Read Eccentric: Part 1, find here)

My Dear,

I do not understand where should I begin, today I have lots to say words that you had right to hear and never could I know I am your culprit all I could give in my life to you was suffering. Standing at the edge of cliff and staring at the gushing water I see my end and beginning of your true life, a life that would be much better with the sole elopement of my life.

Before this letter shall reach you you shall find me no more, I want you to promise me that once you have read this letter you shall bear no suffering and aches of mine. I want you to wipe me and my memories out and live your life the way you always did before me. I want you to be happy after I go. I want you to be smiling and playing with grand kids at the age of 60 and not faintly remember me, for your happiness is what has allowed me to forsake all that I could possess and abandon the world. I do not bear any moral duties to the world not even to the ones who obstinately brought me in this poor world. They had forsaken my life before I could recognize them and in return I had forsaken them and the world they resided in. I owe you and bear moral responsibility towards my life, I can't escape you anymore neither can accept you.  I was the one who always allowed those glittery precious diamonds roll out on your cheeks and never stretched my palm to feel the warmth of it. I lurked and burned inside to see you that way but if only I could say how much those tears evoked the shame inside me.


If only I could say I miss you the way you did.
If only I could say what lies beneath the way you signaled it in your eyes.
If only I could say how much my heart yearned for your gaze every moment.
If only I could say how my each day began with your name and ended in the utterance of your name.
If only I could say how your face lurks on to my mind each time I close my eyes.
If only I could say how every word uttered by you made sense than the rest of of the world.

If only I could say that just hearing your voice is an eternal bliss to my soul.

If only I could say the songs that you sung by me were the only beautiful songs I had ever heard.

If only I could say that my whole life was dedicated to a mere smile of yours.

If only I could say how the presence of your faint shadow made me blaze.

If only I could say that how do those rain drops pierce like knife into my skin when you are not around.

If only I could say the world only began to exist when you came up into my life.

If only I  could say the places you drove me were the only places I found abode.

If only I could say how your first stare took me deep into the rivers of my heart.
If only I could say how your first touch made me drool into you.
If only I could say how your first kiss pulled out life back into me.
If only I could say how the warmth of your body me feel that I was home.
If only I could say how my mind drifted into the memories of how you looked the last time I saw you.
If only I could say that my world had fallen apart with the thoughts of losing you forever.
If only I could say I love you, loved you and will love you.


All that I had always been was because of you, you were the only family I had you were a mother, father and child to me. Your presence dictated solace, solitude and purpose to my life and now your absence leaves my life with no purpose. I shall always be with you no matter what, but my presence isn't the one that is worth you.

Goodbye

Eccentric: Part 1

Ha! I am blogging after a very long time; it gives me a different sense of feeling the moment I sign in to my blog page just like a child who returns home, there is a certain sense of possession accompanied by its religious satisfaction. It is enthralling particularly in this rainy weather to open up my hand-made journal and pen down each word on wet paper that smells like a rose petals clouded with dew drops on it. I begin with sipping some black coffee off my favorite mug, staring at the window watching drizzling water that falls on the glass of my window and listening to the tipper tapper of the rain drops when it touches the glass. Humming one of my favorite tracks "World behind my wall" by Tokio Hotel (if you are a rock music fan, it is a recommended track. I love Bill's voice it charges me up!) Aaarghhh!! this is the glorious part of being a writer where whims and words encircle you and drift you through the time.

My mind is kind of flaming up about this fictional character of an eccentric guy, that's all the romantic weather is bringing in when I do not have a boyfriend and have tons of things to imagine with a pen and a paper in my hand. There are always pluses of being a singlet I believe (Not many people can bug you over the phone when you are in deep thinking :p ). This is the first story that I am attempting to write,  I am learning to write short stories.The story is two parts the first part is a narration and second part is a letter which I shall post soon. So here I begin to narrate him from his own voice:

I certainly belong to this romantic masculine genre although I usually get resilient nerd and lock up the desires and dreams to some unwanted corner. It is usually the awkward and silent conversations that hurled away most people I met making them think that I am some weirdo and unconventional. Being a no-nonsense kind of a person whose inclined towards very few people and loves few unconditionally, I was yet drooled out to be a socially awkward persona. I was understated.

Especially in her eyes, I wish she could have known what the words lying in my silence scream. I wish she could have known that unlike her I couldn't blabber & chatter about anything ranging from the dress of her mate to the expression of my feelings in romantic weather. Hell yes that was being eccentric is like, following her facebook profile, remembering her numbers that existed 4 years back, remembering her maruti fronti's number on which she first learned to drive, the color of a small painted flower on her dress which she wore on the first day of her uni, the rounded curve below her lips, saving each and every google conversation  of hers even if it were a formal conversation and re-reading it millions of times although it meant nothing.

She was the only female friend that I possessed it is funny that most women who used to almost die to sit near by me in my early uni days eventually shifted on to the back sides with my friends, I never understood how to talk to those feminine kinds. I couldn't talk to them like most of my friends who threw humour by sharing experiences and jokes, taking them on rides and blah blah. I never attempted to initiate conversations with women  neither did I care, my usual responses to their initiated conversations were a straight stare into her eyes, a mere smile and hmmms which at times was accompanied by 'alright'. The stare usually made them uncomfortable with stupid expressions on their faces, which to me meant was being direct and listening to them.

I was considered as one of the most hottest and desired guys in the class that's what she had told me once. Also,  that most of her women friends considered me as self-obsessed and full of unwanted attitude. One another unusual habit i bore was i had my ear plugs on with my ipod tuned into the punk music blasting at its highest intensity which made all the conversations and listening inaudible and kept me more engaged to my lovable piece of technology. I know most of them defied it but the music defined me. I loved it. Even she loved every inch of it, to certain extent she was eccentric too. The only thing that was uncommon was her words and eyes talked, for me my silence and eyes talked. We were pretty much alike yet far apart. I knew she liked me but I couldn't forever stand on to her side I believed she deserved a better person than me that is what afflicted her most times and my unconditional love of all towards her had a faith to see her happy even if it meant to take the pains of loosing her.

It was last day of uni four years had passed between us but nothing had moved she entered the class i could see her from that glass partition her hair open and her perfect lips had a beautiful smile which always gave me the solitude that I longed. From the corner of her dark brown eyes she was staring at me hoping that I would turn up to her atleast on the last day to say what I could never say to her. I probably had that thought once in the third year when I was going to pick her up from her home to uni I got those red roses for her to tell her how I felt about her. But the moment I entered into the gate of her house something in me pulled me back, a thought had passed on to me; Will she be happy as she is now, without me? Does she really deserve someone like me? I  then dropped the flowers near her garden, she looked at me from the window and silently walked on to my side and sat into my car. She had sheer disappointment she had those diamond tears that she silently wiped from her face and looked at me for explanation but there was nothing more i could say and we once again dissolved our silences into our screamy punk music. As soon as I parked my car in the uni parking she reached on to me so close that i could listen to the rhymes of her breath I could smell every strand of her hair her gaze met mine and i got dissolved into her lips. Her lips were supple like rose petals I was loosing myself into the long desired love. I shuddered in the moment of time realizing where this was going and pulled out the door and started moving on to the lift wihout looking back. I was burning inside I couldn't stop to look at her.

On the last day she looked most beautiful than ever I wanted to tell her how pretty she was although from a critical male perspective she was an average looking girl, I honestly didn't care she was the one who had known life and lived it to fullest unlike the showy kinds of her genre. She came to me and sat besides me like everyday she had millions of questions in her eyes which I couldn't answer.After the class ended she turned up to tell me she was engaged to one of her school mates who had asked her out and was a family friend. I was shattered and portrayed as if I was happy and congratulated her to make her feel I was not much affected.

She immediately had tears welling I couldn't see her in pain I knew particularly when I was bidding her good bye and I was the cause of her pain. I hugged her for the first time she wept more and more, I cuddled her and she finally pulled away. I was loosing her. I dropped her home and she invited me for her wedding in the following month. She questioned me "Do you still not love me? Did you ever love me? please answer me I can't take these questions anymore" I was silent and drove past looking at her from the mirror and tears rolled from my eyes. I attended her wedding and allowed her to be free from me to be with a person who would always love her no matter what. She was my angel, she was my shooting star which had to pass someday. He was a nice guy I had met him often and he had shared with me once about his feelings for her and I encouraged him to go further. I left that day after her wedding without bidding her good bye. I have written a letter for her to answer all the questions she had in those 4 years because i knew she wouldn't do justice to herself unless I left and I wouldn't ever do justice to her. She loved me more than I did.

And now here I am, I am quitting the world for her happiness. Good Bye. I love you.